~Rigs~

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they
 thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last
 one is especially touching.
 
7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the
more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
 
7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get
 to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so
 beer is nice.
 
7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom
 gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at
 parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
 
7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

 7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny.
 He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too
 much.
 
7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks,
 the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
 
7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time
 Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

 7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he
 goes to sleep.'
 
7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly
 things and picks on my father.  Whenever she drinks beer
 she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the
 street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

Three married couples; an old one, a middle-aged one, and a young one decide to join a church. The priest meets with them and explains that in order to join the curch they must go one month without sex.

After a month passes he meets with them again and asks them how they did. The old man says "It was easy. The month flew by before we even knew it." The middle-aged man says "It was hard but we put our faith God and managed to make it the whole month. Finally the younger man admits "I'm sorry father. We tried really hard but one day I saw my wife bending over to pick up some dish soap and I couldn't help myself, we made wild love right there on the floor." The priest shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but you're not welcome in this church." And the man replies "That's OK we aren't welcome in the supermarket either."

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the Restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress again nodded yes, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea also.

The third person to come into the restaurant was a Brotha from the hood on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, hook a brotha up with a cold glass of coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's baby boy Over there?" Again the waitress nodded yes so the brotha said to hook Jesus up with a cold glass of coke.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said," 
For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door. 

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed.." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Brotha from the hood. The Brotha jumped up and yelled, "Slow down role player, don't touch me I'm drawin' disability!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous so he took a drink and then another. He proceeded with his sermon and began to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy'