leilakalomi

I have always wanted to hear 3 little words from my big sister, 3 words people say every day, I will never hear them now. I always wanted to hear my sister say I LOVE YOU. There are those who would say she showed e she loved me many times, and I can not dispute that. She and her family bought me many expensive gifts over the years, and I appreciated them all. BUT I would gladly have given them all back, to hear those 3 little words. I LOVE YOU, is something I wanted her, and needed her to say, just one time. She knew how i felt. I told her every time I spoke to her even the day she died, (but i do not know if she could hear me) that I loved her. I told her many times I needed to hear her say it to me just one time.
The only reason I can think of that she never told me she loved me , was because she did not really feel it. Anyone can buy a gift for someone, it does not have to be motivated by love. There are many other reasons for buying someone something. One could feel sorry for someone if their life was not as good as your own. One may feel guilty for something they did to the other person in the past, or just because they have more money then the recipient. It would have meant so much to me to hear those 3 little words I LOVE YOU from her before she died. Now there is not chance of me ever hearing her say it, and it makes me cry every time I think about the memory lost.
Our brother tried to excuse her never saying it to me. He said we were not brought up that way, that none of us were told we were loved, BUT he is wrong. Our mom told us she loved up many times as does my other sister and he himself. I do not think our other brother said it directly, but he proved he loved me when i was 6 years old, and he did not do it by buying me anything. I had just started school, and my mom had took me to a beauty parlor for a permanent for my first day. The woman at the beauty parlor messed up my hair badly. She left it on too long and my hair was a mess. Kids are cruel, and first day on the bus one of the kids called me little witch, because of my messed up hair. There was a boy on the bus 3 years older then me. He bullied me all the time. More then once I came home crying. My big brother who was 10 years older then me and 7 years older then the bully paid him a visit. According to my sister ( because I was not with him when he did it) my brother paid the bully a visit, and told him what was going to happen if he did not leave his little sister alone. I never did find out the exact words he told the bully, but it worked he left me alone after that. I told that story at my brother's funeral in 2016. Once someone proves to me they love me it is not as important for me to hear it , then it is if they have just thrown gifts at me.
I really needed to hear my sister say she loved me , and now I never will, and I have no idea how I will ever move past the emptiness inside me at her dying without telling me she loved me. I do not know how I will ever stop thinking maybe she did not really love me and all the gifts were for show.
My advice to everyone is IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM WHILE YOU ARE BOTH STILL ALIVE, because when one of you are dead, it is too late, and all that are left behind are longings and heart ache.
( by the way IF you want to see how I looked in first grade, I put a pic in the photo section on this account. It was my school picture that year , so you need to realize mom had a couple months to try to tame my wild hair down some for the picture. It was much worse the first day) I was so excited about going to school, and then to start getting bullied the very first day kind of took the edge off my happy.