This summer is nearly gone and I for one will not be sad to see it go. After the cold winter we had last year I was expecting a better summer. I should know by now to not expect good things. I am always disappointment. Started with finding out my nephew's cancer is not treatable like it has been in the past. Then I wound up in the hospital with a kidney stone and urinary tract and blood infection. It is scary to know you could have died from a blood infection you did not even know you had. Until the day I wound up in the hospital I did not have any real symptoms. I had been more thirsty then usual, but I thought it was because of a new med the doctor had me on. I now think it was because of the fever I was ruining. I was supposed to go to my other nephew's graduation, but I never made it because I was in the hospital again for over night observation after a bad panic attack.
Truth be told I think the attack may have stemmed from the party. It was to be at my nephew's house which was right next to what used to be my brother's house. The anniversary of my brother's death is coming up in about 2 weeks, and with his youngest son being told he only had 2 weeks to live 3 weeks ago part of me just could not face being that close to my brothers empty house with his son so very ill. I was so scared if I went I may lose it when I saw my ill nephew. It was not fair to my great nephew that I did not go. I had went to his brothers graduation, but that year my brother and his wife were both still with us, my sister was well enough to be at the first nephews graduation but could not attend this one because of pneumonia. Part of me wanted to be there for my nephew another part of me reallllllllllly did not want to see my nephew so ill. I really think it all built up inside of me and both sides were at war. I think the stress of trying to do the right thing caused me to end up doing WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR ME if not for anyone else I did not make the party because i was still at the hospital when it started.
I have a couple friends who are not doing well themselves and I have also been worried about them. This summer truly sucks. The irony here is the last time I was looking forward to a good year was the year my brother, cousin, and sister in law all died withing 3 months. I thought this year would be a good one and it did start out ok, but when summer hit all went down hill from there. I would like to be able to hope it would get better before the end, but somewhere deep inside of me lies the fear that before this Christmas we may lose another person I love.
