This week I have felt like I was standing in the middle of a hurricane. I have been pulled and pushed in all directions at one time. Like I have no control over anything anymore. That harsh winds are pushing against me to where I can hardly stand. What I thought I had built to be strong and lasting in my life seems to be being swapped away from me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like everything that gave me peace and security and made me strong is being torn away. I feel like my heart is broken. I have cried enough in the past 3 days to fill a water bucket, and I am still crying. It hurts so bad when you desperately want someone you care about to understand where you are coming from and they do not. It always hurts the worst when someone you love and respect does you wrong. It makes you doubt your worth in the world and wonder why they do not value you as much as you do them. If it seems as though my thoughts are jumping all over the place it is because they are. These hurricane winds hurt so bad and I do not know if I will ever be able to find my way back to solid ground if they stop.
I think now I know how Maleficent felt the morning after, when she woke up without her wings. The only thing left to figure out now is if I will be able to contain my eviler side. It will not be easy as a big part of what kept me balanced I fear may have been blown away in these hurricane winds that have sat down on my little world. I do not know what to do but if you do not see me again you will know I did not find anything I could hold onto that was strong enough to keep me from being swept away. I do sometimes wonder if anyone will miss me if I am gone. There are times I feel some would like to pry loose my tenuous grip on what makes me happy, and just let me drop into the bottomless pit of disappear.
